and its thought that it also prevents fighting among male bro monkeys and they cant be sure which babies to kill because they dont know if it is theirs.

but socio-biology is weird.

because it is also said that human bros spread their seed as much as possible and that this is their natural inclination.

but how can this possibly account for all the wars men have started? how can they be sure they’re not killing their own with their spread-the-seed mentality?

just a bit confused is all.

what a great photo. photocredit pawel dwulit

back in the day of course in ottawa.

let’s see.

i think i want to get a narwhol tatty that kinda looks like this:

just like we said it was.

what a cute narwhie

ok muck.

free sample:

white ninjas?

or blue?

so since i last posted about feeling better things took a nose dive it’s not highly bloggable why did i come on here i just had a thought!

whered it go? i got all caught up in explaining the absolute change in tone and i have accomplished neither that or what i was going to say!

OH YEA

catchy:

New Imperialist Spaces
the colonization of class consciousness: indigenous minds, homo economicus, and backwards bodies.

its like its a goddam chapter or something

-let the exam season disorder blogging begin.

DISORDER

because it’s not a syndrome.

apparently syndromes can be totally ordinary body functions
like Pre-Menstrual something or rather
which recently was upgraded to a

disorder, aw nuts.

what’s dysphoria? [answered later i promise]

[italics are mine folks:]

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a dramatic form of Premenstrual syndrome^[1], afflicting 3% to 8% of women.^[2] It is a mental disorder associated with the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle.

[DRAMATIC! mentally disordered. in disarray. what's mental disorder?]

click luteal:

The luteal phase (or secretory phase) is the latter phase of the menstrual cycle (in humans and a few other animals) or the estrous cycle (in other placental mammals). It begins with the formation of the corpus luteum and ends in either pregnancy or luteolysis. The main hormone associated with this stage is progesterone, which is significantly higher during the luteal phase than other phases of the cycle.^[1]

luteal in a nutshell is a thingie that makes a drug for like 14 days and then effs off and somehow this process GOES WRONG AND BITCHES GO CRAZY WITH THEIR HORMONES JUST LOOK:

pick menstrual:

The menstrual cycle is a cycle of physiological changes that occurs in fertile females. Overt menstruation (where there is blood flow from the vagina) occurs primarily in humans and close evolutionary relatives such as chimpanzees.^[1]

WHEW good thing they reminded me blood flows from the vagina

bahahahahhaha

oh AND they have science AND culture on their side look:

Menstrual cycle

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Menstrual cycle

science AND TV at the same time? must be an authoritative article fo sho’.

oh wait, this one is SO much better!

italics are all mine.

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) (also called PMT or premenstrual tension) is a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman’s menstrual cycle. While most women (about 80 percent) of child-bearing age have some symptoms of PMS,^[1] the official definition limits the scope to having symptoms of “sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life”***.^[2] Such symptoms are usually predictable and occur regularly during the two weeks prior to menses. Generally, symptoms may vanish** both before or after the start of menstrual flow.

[***what? isn't menstruating part of life? since when did i have to menstruate without it getting in the way of life? isn't it more like life gets in the way of me menstruating? and do they mean life itself? what does life even mean here?]

[**like a magic trick vanish?]

While some experts* claim that virtually all menstruating women experience PMS, a more recent and intermediate** position shows that only a small percentage of women (2 to 5%) have significant premenstrual symptoms that are separate from the discomfort associated with menstruation.^[3]

[*who are these people? i thought i was going to be an expert, im getting pretty close and am gonna start topping out sooner than later in the corpus luteum section have they even had to worry about these things?]

[** did they involve some women in the design of the research maybe? it seems like someone insisted that discomfort is associated to menstruation. im still surprised they didnt then bracket (blood from vagina) after that sentence.]
MEANWHILE

δύσφορος = dysphoria
is the opposite of euphoria.

and since us bitches are not EUPHORIC that we are menstruating (bleeding from the vagina) we also get associated with:

Conditions related to dysphoria

The following conditions may include dysphoria as a major component or symptom.

• Clinical depression (unipolar) and dysthymia
• Bipolar disorder^[2] and cyclothymia
• Premenstrual Syndrome
• Adjustment disorder with depressed mood
• General anxiety disorder
• Gender identity disorder, sometimes called gender dysphoria
• Personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder
• Substance withdrawal
• Body dysmorphic disorder
• Hypoglycemia
• Schizophrenia

OMFJEEZUS.

lock us all up.

throw away the key.

today

i actually went for a jog.

now, i don’t like ‘healthy people’ culture.

not at all.

fitness programs. diets. PFFFFT

so my aversion to this ish is also a barrier to even getting into it.

but i ate a rlly good dinner today

i am addicted to salmon, i need help.

and about an hour or so after i was feeling like going on a walk or a bike ride or something

and the novelty of taking a jog hit me.

LOL.

me!

“jogging”.

running for the sake of running.

so i took off and went down to casa loma and ran around for, how long did i make it, 20 minutes.

TWENTY!

hahahaheheheheee

and after, when i stopped

i swear, it was one of the most intense highs i’ve had in a long, long time.

and i’ve been hitting the ish pretty hard.

and so this high made me feel INCREDIBLE.

and i looked up at some stars [via being whimsical at this point]

and it was s0 nice.

i didn’t get it.

im basically coming to the realization that since december

since the day after turning 24

i’ve been on a covert mission to destroy myself.

i refused to do anything that would ensure my own survival.

i’ve been getting black-out-drunk at least twice a week

and drinking probably every day, give or take.

depending on what i could get away with.

smoking a lot of the weed

just trying not to exist.

this seemed to crystalize that sillie debate in philosophy class

around the difference between killing and letting die.

i didn’t want to kill myself [via not rlly wanting to ruin a TTC conductors day]

but i didn’t want to live very much.

i was just kind of letting myself fade away.

at one point during all of this

i went down to 106 pounds.

when i started noticing all of this, i photographed my body.

the scale became a barometer of how much i actually was just withering away.

people i didn’t know all that well commented on how unhealthy i looked.

and, after weighing something like 145 pounds before moving away from ottawa

i did take some kind of pride in not being as big and in love and comfy

it was nice to be ‘hot’ again.

this enabled me to sleep with a lot of bros

mostly thru drunken hook ups

and dastardly tactics on my own part.

i just wanted to fight and fuck and drink and put whatever i could into my body that would ensure that i didn’t have to exist or feel the present or feel my body or myself.

some could call all of this ‘depression’.

or, ‘alcoholism’.

whichever.

but for the past few months

i feel like i’ve literally woken up from this.

i started doing things for myself again.

i bought a ukulele and wanted to wander around playing my own daydreams into chords.

i bought a bike and have been enjoying the geographical freedom

as well as the ‘exercise’

or, if not ‘exercise’, then the feeling you get when you use your body.

i’ve started going to parks to stretch around

and i’ve even taken up working out some old gymnastics moves that i used to be able to do.

and so after this ‘jog’ thing

the novelty of it all

the stars and the quiet and the breath and the heartbeat

walking back home on a saturday night really amazed me.

walking past groups of folks just out to get wasted

walking past the old pub that i would visit for as many beers as i could get in me before close.

where the server, blaine, who knew me by name

was outside smoking

and he said

‘well hey there, sporty’

and i felt like he obvs knew something had changed.

and i couldn’t help but ask myself on the walk home

‘where oh where have you been?’

did you know you were just trying to not live?

did you know you were becoming the same alcoholic that you were warned about becoming?

did you know that you were incredibly miserable, self-destructive, and that you just wanted to destroy yourself?

when you’d imagine jumping in front of the subway,

where were the alarm bells?

which one of these perspectives is the illusion?

i cried briefly on the way home.

i’ve let myself down.

i’m in a pretty devastating financial situation because of all this chaos and wreckery.

the fight to get back on my feet isn’t over.

i’m just starting to feel good again.

i don’t know how this blog post ends.

so i’ll leave it at that.

what a weekend holy smokes

tho

in the land of grad skool

it is hard to draw the line between weekday and weekend.

there’s two parties tonight

three parties tomoro night

and so on.

what is this? summer, or something?

also, got some solidarity picketing in.

at Christie pitts

requisite ukulele on hand. it’s my fave way to sol picket with folks.

from the CAW local 2003 strike. old uke in hand.

my roommates need to stop destroying my ukuleles… srsly.

the first one, the orange thrasher, the thingie holding the strings broke off magically.

the second one, the brown one i took around to picket with (pictured above) suddenly and magically offed it’s own neck guillotine styles. i glued it back on, but am yet to re-string and see if its fixed/fixable.

the third one, nukulele, is an electric one. Or was. See, somehow, magically, the bolt came off and the plug in is now gone or just inside the ukes body. hard to get to, given its small mouth.

so that’s three. three broken ukuleles.  they are not safe here. i will keep them in my room from now on.

and there you have it!

my, it’s been a while

hasn’t it?

just stopping by.

see, i’ve been wrought

with the wreck

of not writing.

and usually,

i write plenty

onna blogs

when i have to write

for the schools

but lately this hasn’t even been true.

so maybe more freestyle

leads to more schoolstyle.

welcome back, yall

the prodigal eff returns

zaniness.

so for this post,

i was kind of hoping that i would start typing in letters that i like

to see what kinds of sentences pop up

like when you search stuff in google or on youtube or whatever

anyways so i hit the letter ‘e’

but nothing came up except this stuff.

i would have browsed through my feelings

by arrowing down thru statements or questions

that start with ‘e’

[no, this post isn't inspired by the drug, e.]

why is it that sometimes i feel the urge to qualify what im saying

so that some doofus doesn’t wander in and point out the obvy thing that im not saying

just to get cheap laughs?

h8 those laughs.

like sex puns and stuff.

it makes me feel 12 years old or whenever it is that you are s0 h0rny or hyper.

haha,

tho now that i think of it

those were just training wheels of being minxy and a boozer.

but going back to this commenty thing that happens sometimes

only sometimes is it funny.

only when it’s real good

[italics worthy and brackets redundant good]

but most of the time i just feel awkward FOR someone
unless they make someone else laugh
unless that laugh is just a pity laugh
and then there you are, you miserable cunt, discerning pity laughs and authenticity
for people who just want to be liked.

it was long, that’s for sure.

would blog about the truth, but im working that ish out.

i want to write about whats going on

i just lack the words, and posting about that isn’t much of a thing to do anyways.

sorrie this post was s0 b0ring, yall

do they even count as allies in the first place?

i got called a vanguardist by proxy

of being on strike with the executives of my union

in the longest strike in english university history

by a guy who pretends that he wants to change access to post-secondary (editorial statement)

well i want to change access to resistance in post-secondary

that is the only thing i know i want to  do

nevermind my homework

post strike

legislated homework,

effff that.

and losing faith in people

who aren’t even considering the future

of the political capital

of ‘progressivism’

it’s like being for life

of eventual future choicers or something,

you are preparing your own funeral.

i dont believe

anyone

anymore.

(not even me.)

thing is, im a running for a position on the executive of this local union,

that vanguardist bloc thingie.

but no matter which side of the circle that is often described as left or right wing (chicken wing)

i derno

sillie romantic bees wax hopeful me

solidarity is with the people

who have the audacity, courage, and patience

alongside a healthy and well developed sense of modesty

who face humility and outrage

for 85 days minimum

hard effing core

i meen

first of all

do i know any …
GOD IM TIRED OF THIS PHRASE LETS MAKE A NEW ONE:

“activists”

(terrible!)

do i know any activists who have done that kind of stuff?

what has the self-described ‘progressive’ SFUO done recently that begins to fall into the short shadow

of this event at noon in the summer?

CUPE is meeting so i hear with the ministries implicated in this stuff

they want to know sort of, how to avoid this kind of scenario again in future rounds aka 2010

me? i’d say

fund education

and call an inquiry into the spending practices at universities.

why other than major funding announcements does the public not get to care about what universities are up to?

and dont forget my whistleblower protexshy, thanks

thanks daltie

thanks folks who get petish’es signed

and buttons made

without you

i wouldn’t be a flashy back-to-worker. (was ordered to take off all pins in that ledge thingie)

but rlly

solidarity is with the people

who have the audacity, courage, and patience

alongside a healthy and well developed sense of modesty

who face humility and outrage

for 85 days minimum

…

.

how does one go about doing that?

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